Терри ПРЭТЧЕТТ
      Песня про Ёжика
      Можно трахнуть медведя суровой зимой, Когда мишка в берлоге храпит под сосной. Не советую этого делать весной, Ну, а ёжика вовсе не пробуй, друг мой.
      Можно трахнуть коня, можно трахнуть осла, (Пони жалко: уж больно лошадка мала), Жеребца ломового (тут сила нужна), Только с ёжика, брат, не возьмёшь ни рожна.
      Можно трахнуть быка (с высоты сундука), И лису, если верить словам знатока, Кое-кто говорит, можно трахнуть жука, Только ёжика, братцы, не трахнешь никак.
      Энтомолог сказал - можно трахнуть осу, Герпетолог сказал - и змею (на весу), Можно трахнуть любую зверушку в лесу, Только ёжика - нет, заруби на носу.
      Можно трахнуть слона (тут стремянка нужна И матрас, для того, чтоб, упав со слона, Уцелела спина - высота не страшна!) Только ёжика трахнуть нельзя ни хрена.
      Можно трахнуть кота (это просто мечта!), Можно кролика трахнуть, из шляпы достав, Можно трахнуть дельфина и даже кита Только с ёжиком выйдет одна маета.
      Если ты так удал, поезжай-ка в Непал, Трахни йети, что водится в Кхумбу-Гимал, Я охотно признаю, что ты экстремал Лишь бы ёжика, парень, ты трахать не стал.
      Если чем-то тебе приглянулся удав, Я навряд ли скажу, что ты круто не прав. Можно трахнуть жирафу, забравшись на стол, Только с ёжиком выйдет - буквально - прокол.
      Можешь трахать макак (не скажу тебе, как) Индюков и коров, поросят и собак, Утконоса, коль скоро ты редкий чудак Только ёжика трахнет лишь круглый дурак.
      Можно ёжика стукнуть, а можно и пнуть, Можно тросточкой ёжика в пузико ткнуть, Можно в ёжика из револьвера пальнуть, А о том, чтобы трахнуть - и думать забудь.
      И в конце трудового тяжелого дня, Трахнув тигра, летучую мышь и слепня, Ты воскликнешь устало: "Ну, что за фигня! Этот долбанный ёжик затрахал меня!"
      The Hedgehog Song, v1.7
      ----------------------
      Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett
      from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett
      ----
      Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
      But I have to say this as a warning to you:
      With almost all animals, you can have ball
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS 1: The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
      They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
      The result I think you'll find will appall:
      The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
      Mounting a horse can often be fun
      An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
      Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS 2: The spines on his back are so awful thick
      you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
      He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
      Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
      Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
      Will be entertaining to both her and you
      Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS 3: (So here's to the hedgehog, he's sharp as they come
      You'll never get through his impregnable bum
      With his nose up his arsehole and rolled in a ball
      The hedgehog can never be buggered at all)
      CHORUS
      A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
      And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
      Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
      It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
      You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
      With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
      We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
      Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
      A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
      Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
      Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
      To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
      The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
      Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
      Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
      Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
      Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
      Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
      A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      A sheep that's named 'Flossy' is warm you shall see,
      You can try with a wasp, you can try with a bee.
      You can hump with the dog that sleeps in the hall,
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      A lion is frisky, a leopard is fun,
      But to keep up with them you may have to run.
      You'll be liked by the fleas at the flea-market stall,
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      A hippo is funny but take care if underneath,
      A pirhana is pleasant but watch out for his teeth.
      Get a rodent, they can be found in the mall,
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      You tail-lifting buggers from Ramtop or plain
      If you take my advice you will save yourself pain
      When the base urges strike you it's best to recall
      That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all
      CHORUS
      Your hedgehog's a handful and cute as a bun
      You'd think he'd be perfect for animal fun
      But hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us all
      That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      You can top a giraffe if you stand on a stool
      Though a Jack Russell might make you look like a fool
      But the fact still remains that if you want to ball
      The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      You can hump a baboon if it doesn't hump you
      And a wildebeest's really got something quite gnu
      Carouse with a louse if your weenie is small
      But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      CHORUS
      It's hard with a crab 'cause its bum's watertight
      The best way is sideways, then twist to the right
      If you screw one, be thankful as shorewards you crawl
      For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
      -------------------------------------------------
      This is the alt.fan.pratchett version of the Hedgehog Song. The
      original version was thought up by Matthew Crosby, and has since
      then been streamlined and expanded by readers of the newsgroup.
      If you have any suggestions for improvements or additional verses,
      please feel free to post them to alt.fan.pratchett, or mail them
      to Matthew Crosby (crosby@cs.colorado.edu) or Leo Breebaart
      (leo@lspace.org).
      Note from Matthew: "BTW, I know the giraffe verse in the book is
      `if you stand on a stool', but this doesn't really rhyme. I've
      tried to insert all the other scraps Pterry has given us... if I
      missed any, let me know."